| Author | Message | ||
| Christopher T George
Advanced Member Username: chrisgeorge Post Number: 2249 Registered: 12-2004 |
Hi all My friend Bernard Henrie has helped me to an entirely new version of this poem originally entitled "Exile." Since it really is a radically new version, I am posting it in this new thread-- Reetika Vazirani (1962-2003) Elephant's eye, the shimmering tail of a peacock, strangers' stares, the audiences at her readings echoing lecture halls, nervous coughs, and then her words-- like bright marbled stones rescued from a river those words she wrote, gaining recognition as a poet -- a blanket filled with jacaranda blossoms, the sun reflected in a dewy calyx, but as ever haunted by her father's suicide -- years before, we think of her as a young girl, copying poems to learn to be a writer, and of that last dark afternoon when devils haunted the rafters -- death for her young son, death for herself, meted out like weights and measures in an onion and turnip shop. No more the writer's pen, now the butcher knife, no more the lecture hall the anonymous reader, only the dead, the murderous the lost continent of her soul. Christopher T. George Reetika Vazirani Reetika Vazirani: A Web Chapbook from The Literary Review (Message edited by Chrisgeorge on September 06, 2005) (Message edited by Chrisgeorge on September 07, 2005) Editor, Desert Moon Review http://www.desertmoonreview.com/ http://chrisgeorge.netpublish.net/ http://christophertgeorge.blogspot.com | ||
| LJ Cohen
Moderator Username: ljc Post Number: 2846 Registered: 07-2002 |
Chris, I like what you have done here and some further suggestions for your consideration: Reetika Vazirani (1962-2003) Elephant's eye, the shimmering tail of a peacock, strangers' stares, the audiences at her readings echoing lecture halls, nervous coughs, and then her words-- like bright marbled stones rescued from a river <--wonderful opening! those words she wrote, gaining recognition as a poet -- <--this feels too 'telling'. I respond more to the places with the strong images a blanket filled with jacaranda blossoms, the sun reflected in a dewy calyx, but as ever haunted by her father's suicide <--is there an image from her poetry that encapsulates the suicide? -- years before, we think of her as a young girl, copying poems to learn to be a writer, <--this feels distant, somehow. How about: As a young girl, she copied/poems, learned to be a writer and of that last dark afternoon when devils haunted the rafters <--until that last dark afternoon. . . -- death for her young son, death for herself, meted out like weights and measures in an onion and turnip shop. No more the writer's pen,; no more the lecture hall the anonymous reader, only the dead, the murderous the lost continent of her soul. best, ljc http://ljcbluemuse.blogspot.com/ | ||
| Christopher T George
Advanced Member Username: chrisgeorge Post Number: 2255 Registered: 12-2004 |
Hi Lisa Thanks for your positive words about my poem. I appreciate the detail with which you have gone over my work and suggested further improvement. I will certainly give your suggestions full consideration as I consider a further rewrite. Thank you so much, Lisa! Chris Editor, Desert Moon Review http://www.desertmoonreview.com/ http://chrisgeorge.netpublish.net/ http://christophertgeorge.blogspot.com | ||
| Kathy Paupore
Advanced Member Username: kathy Post Number: 2441 Registered: 12-2003 |
Chris, quite a change. This version pulled me in and along more than the first. Looks fine, and Lisa made some good suggestions.  K | ||
| Christopher T George
Advanced Member Username: chrisgeorge Post Number: 2258 Registered: 12-2004 |
Thanks, K! Chris Editor, Desert Moon Review http://www.desertmoonreview.com/ http://chrisgeorge.netpublish.net/ http://christophertgeorge.blogspot.com | ||
| Emusing
Moderator Username: emusing Post Number: 1718 Registered: 08-2003 |
Chris this is a great piece. I like Lisa's suggests although I didn't feel that those two points were telly. There was enough meat on the bones for me. Well done. E (Message edited by emusing on September 07, 2005) | ||
| Christopher T George
Advanced Member Username: chrisgeorge Post Number: 2259 Registered: 12-2004 |
Hi E Many thanks for your reaction to the poem. Yes, I feel the poem has moved to where it should be. I appreciate your kind words of approval. Chris Editor, Desert Moon Review http://www.desertmoonreview.com/ http://chrisgeorge.netpublish.net/ http://christophertgeorge.blogspot.com | ||
| Jim Doss
Senior Member Username: jimdoss Post Number: 1874 Registered: 12-2003 |
Chris, You've already gotten a lot of good suggestions. I wanted to comment that I thought the ending line was most appropriate after reading some of her work. Jim (Message edited by jimdoss on September 08, 2005) My books are available at http://www.lulu.com/jimdoss. Visit Loch Raven Review at http://www.lochravenreview.com. | ||
| Christopher T George
Advanced Member Username: chrisgeorge Post Number: 2262 Registered: 12-2004 |
Hi Jim Many thanks. Glad you like the ending of the poem. Chris Editor, Desert Moon Review http://www.desertmoonreview.com/ http://chrisgeorge.netpublish.net/ http://christophertgeorge.blogspot.com | ||
| Gary Blankenship
Senior Member Username: garyb Post Number: 4747 Registered: 07-2001 |
Chris, I heard her read a few years ago, brilliant all the way - but to kill her son. BTW, her husband's reading stunk. A good poem, to be made better by Lisa's suggestions. Great end. Thanks. Gary The new, August FireWeed is ready for you to read. Go in through http://www.mindfirerenew.com/ to get to the issue in a click or two. | ||
| M
Board Administrator Username: mjm Post Number: 5164 Registered: 11-1998 |
Thanks for posting the continuing revision for us to see, Chris. I concur with Lisa on her recommendations and hope you will incorporate her thoughts. You have done much good work on this one. Just a little more stretching and it should be a wrap! | ||
| Christopher T George
Advanced Member Username: chrisgeorge Post Number: 2266 Registered: 12-2004 |
Hi Gary & M Thank you both. I will post soom a revision taking Lisa's recommendations into consideration. Gary, great that you attended a reading by Reetika Vazirani. . . wish I could have been there!  Chris Editor, Desert Moon Review http://www.desertmoonreview.com/ http://chrisgeorge.netpublish.net/ http://christophertgeorge.blogspot.com | ||
| Laurie Byro
Advanced Member Username: lauriette Post Number: 1243 Registered: 11-2003 |
excellent work Chris be pleased and thanks to B Henrie for helping this along laurie | ||
| Christopher T George
Advanced Member Username: chrisgeorge Post Number: 2302 Registered: 12-2004 |
Aye, thank you, Laurie B and B Henrie both! Chris Editor, Desert Moon Review http://www.desertmoonreview.com/ http://chrisgeorge.netpublish.net/ http://christophertgeorge.blogspot.com |
